(Old version) The Ed B. Maranan Digital Archive

TAMAD Somatics - practice

The trauma of colonization is carried in the patterns of our bodies. (Relate story about feeling in Vancouver)

Going back to talking about using somatics as a way to requestion power relationships etc. etc. OMG i reminded myself of this! I mean, it's almost like that speculative somatics paper was something i wrote as a bookmark or warning for my future self: "somatics and decolonization is going to be very interesting!! watch out for it!"

Short muscles are anxious muscles.

April 6th, 2023

Why I stopped FI'ing nanay

Part of it is i think dahil i had stopped knowing myself at some point. Parang hindi ko nakikilala ko sarili ko. I had this feeling before at the start of the pandemic, I do remember. And I managed to pivot. Pieter was around.

And now... with the change of the position (Dean na ako ngayon), I had new powers and responsibilities, and while I was comfortable with assuming them, they were still new to me. I was driven by new desires and new senses of responsibilities. And perhaps blinded by the deference everyone seemed to treat me with.

And I stopped doing yoga. I mean, I also stopped yoga because I slowly got tired of it. And I stopped feldenkrais. And the gym.

And then I gained weight. Because I was eating too much, because I was intermittent fasting all wrong at times. And then I couldn't recognize my own self. I was a stranger to my own body.

How could FI someone when I didn't even know what I could do myself?

April 1st, 2023

Reading her poetry and all of her writings

What an stupidly obvious way that I have never really taken ahold of seriously. Bakit ngayon ko lang naisip. Kailangang basahin yung mga sinulat niya. Poetry, fiction, research reports, facebook profile posts.

Pero I have to exercise caution not to paint a rigid portrait of her as I read.

April 1st, 2023

Procrastination

Why i am delaying really starting Project Psychopomp? Or am i wrong and i actually have started?

While I was cleaning in the shower (showerhead came off) I checked in with myself about how I would feel about spending the night at nanay's. I realized that I was afraid. Afraid of what I might find. Afraid of the problems I felt like I had to fix. But the problem with avoiding these things is that they never go away.

This is a different kind of bravery, one that so many people before me have had to put on in the face of the inevitable heartbreak. At least I know that i'm not alone, and that one day I will also be over it.

April 1st, 2023

Ariadne's thread and the minotaur's maze

To deeply empathize with someone is to wander deep into their subjective experience. Wandering is OK, but to wander without a way back out is dangerous.

Why did it take me so long to get started on project psychopomp? was i gathering enough mental and emotional resources? did it just take me this long to acknowledge what it was that i was actually doing?

March 25th, 2023

User Experience

I can imagine this being in a large room. When you pick an object representing a theme, the entire display reorganizes

March 25th, 2023

Data viz

Looking at different data viz techniques, looking like Zoomable Circle Packing is an interesting one. There's enough complexity as it is with what I want to do that doing something like a Tangled Tree Visualization seems too much,

March 25th, 2023

How do I care for myself even as I care for her?

When I was learning Functional Integration, someone had observed that being the teacher in Functional Integration, you can also get your own lesson even as you're giving someone else as lesson.

March 25th, 2023

Developing a whole somatic theory

Based on my relationship with her.

Not meant to be generalizable.

March 25th, 2023

Do you think people can change

A card that I can write? A card that I can ask her?

March 24th, 2023

Tuning

I think nanay and I are tuning better into each other. In the sense that I am understanding her and her me. We are are beginning to become more responsive to each other's moods. This is reciprocal empathy.

And because this is what I keep forgetting, what I keep having to be reminded of: I need to allow myself to be transformed by this place: this city, this country. These networks of people around me.

And that's it: I need to be able to transform my somatic experience into her somatic experience. But safely, so I could get out of it. Ariadne's thread out of the minotaur's labyrinth.

And I need to keep writing.

March 18th, 2023

Project Palimpsest Psychopomp

Few ways of organizing this thematically:

Nanay

Recovery

Transformative experiences

hallucegenicS

Psychopompiness
Bodily knowledge and somatic practice

Feldenkrais

Activism, social change, and the Global South
By the poetics and mechanics

Mind palace and deeply networked stuff
ETERNAL CUCKOO CLOCK

What if the text gets unfolded in increasing time

multidimensional relational database archive - diary

Or network. Yeah better a network.
And there's a root node called PSYCHOMPOMP

or there's not

There's different ways of grouping the nodes, each of which provides a different way of understanding the whole.

There's different ways of slicing and dicing reality

Palimpsest. Beneath every project is another project.
(Forget the 3D printed thing)

Evolutionary biology

I suspect that our evolutionary ancestors had better proprioceptive and interoceptive awareness. The things they describe, the unusual, poetic things that they say about the body: it's because they were so embodied.
COUNTERPOINT: we are becoming a more embodied, self-sensing organism. as the philosopher (ocallan?) that tito ikoy said, humans are just the manifestation of nature becoming self aware

March 18th, 2023